Untitled...Jar of Dirt #3

Sometimes you feel like life is just false. Like most of your relatives are only claiming you just to see how good you can make them look. When most of your life they've molded you into a victim. Why? Because you were different. You couldn't help that you just naturally broke the mold of the perfect little family. Hell you still do. Life is what you make not what they make it for you. You're realizing that more and more each day. Some of them have been letting you down at various points in life. Some even abandoned you. Others were just there but like non existent pieces of the puzzle that is your life. Then there were those who only want to control you. It's their way or no way...there is no such thing as a highway option with them. So you choose to break that control. To be your on person. You're 18. You're an adult. You want to be an adult. And, frankly, you're sick and tired of being treated like the various ages between 6 and 16. You need your space to grow up on your own and make your mistakes. The last time you checked you and them were not merged into the same person. It's time they butt out and back away and let you live your life for yourself. You're going to do your best and if your best is not good enough for them. Then fuck them. They weren't your family to begin with. So what if your appearance is never good enough for them. It's good enough for you. That's what matters. You're comfortable with how you look. So they should just shut the hell up and deal with it. It's your body and most of them that are calling you fat are fatter than you. They shove everything down your throat now it's time to shove a few things down theirs. They need to know why you never come on. They're not all that tolerable. Certain ones drive you so crazy you just want to kill them. Some only care about how much weight you've yo-yoed around. Some only care about whether or not your grades are up to their standards. Some only care about whether or not you think the same politically. Some only care about whether or not you think the same religiously. With some it's a combination of several of those. It's a blood pressure raiser. A raiser of the stress level. That makes a person who has low to normal blood pressure sick, very sick. It has happened before. Of course one should take offense that some people don't even show any support to the fact that you are working your ass of in college. Some could care less if you starve when people who can't even afford to give finnacial support give it. Top that one. People know when you're holding back. People know when you're giving more support to people who aren't even blood relatives and probably won't go to college when the one busting their ass in college who busted their ass to get to college gets nothing but phone calls. They consist of gossip, religious chatter, talk of some people that one could really care less about, and berrating because apparently you use bad language on your blog. Oh well. People are going to speak their mind. When you have never been able to speak your mind in your entire life it's about time you have a big blow up, doesn't everyone agree? The phone calls have stopped. There was not even one on Christmas. Now say how unfeeling that is. So you didn't call them either. You had your right to be mad. They hadn't called you since you got out of school. They hadn't supported you financially. They did call a bit too much before the calls stopped though. All they sent you was a letter and a box of junk food. Nice going. Then there are the financial supporters who call on occasion but not to much which was perfect. They sent a little money monthly, what they could just to help. They made sure you had food and your meds. They spoke to you over the holliday. There are no ill words with these people. Why? Not just because of their financial support but because they care. If your best is what you give them they are proud. If you gain or lose a few pound they make no snide remarks about it. Granted they will ask you to wear a shirt that is not so tight but they will do it politely. They are they most loving and caring people who would never turn their backs on a loved one. The others on the other hand. They are just hard to define. Everything must be their way from clothing to grades to politics to religion. Screw that. An adult can make their own decisions about those sorts of things thank you. People like them seem to forget that they have faults too. That they've done wrong. That they've hurt people in many ways and that they still do. Remember this that this one will bite back from now on. She's done with all this bullshit. She's an adult. She will do her best. She will make her own decisions about everything and everyone else will like it or they can keep their bloody mouths shut. She's had it with being told that she can't when she knows she can. She's had it with the tricks. She's had it with the lies. She's had it with the rules. She's had it with the brainwashing. She's a new woman now, a new young woman who will no longer be the controlled victim. She's out of the shell and out on her own now and she can't be stopped.

Now i will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
(I'm Going Under)
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought I reached the bottom
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
*Whispering* (So I don't know whats real and whats not,
So I don't know what's real and what's not)
*whispering* (whats real and whats not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Going under
I'm going under

*~*song Going Under by Evanescence off of the Fallen album

I'm A Survivor

I made it! The semester is over, next semester is paid for, and here's the real kicker...I passed all my classes with a grade no lower than a C+! Ok so one of them says something a little bit lower than that but the teacher contacted me to tell me that he goofed up on my grade. I will be appealing that when I get back to campus. I didn't quite make all my goal grades but I did survive. And I'm going to keep working hard and doing my best because I'm in this for an education. I finally decided on a major to stick with History with a concentration in European History and a minor of European Studies. I'm a nerd you don't have to tell me. I'm going to be a college professor with a writer career on the side one day, you'll see. I know what I want for my future and I'm going to have it. Don't tell me I won't you'll just make me worse. I survived. That's one semester down....too many too count to go.

Miss Nice Girl Is Dead

I used to be a nice girl but that is no more. All the hatred in the world has killed that. I have no more tolerance for those insignificant hatebearing people. I used to tolerate and that tolerance has brought me down. So miss nice girl is dead and the bitch is unleashed. Those who are non hate bearing and have been nice non-backstabbing people, they know who they are, will continue to see miss nice girl and not the bitch because she still lives and only to them. But miss nice girl is dead. She died a few days ago. The hate of this world killed her. She may rise again but only time can tell. The world hates too much to let her live. People of this world do not know how to let the past go. They do not know how to grow up. They want to live as children forever, children of hate. They killed miss nice girl. They do not know what they have done. Miss nice girl was living a good life. She was good to these people only snapping back in her own defense. But they just went too far. Now she's gone to be replaced by the bitch. The part of this woman she hated to unleash. But these people went too far now they do not know what they've done. They'll know one day. Maybe miss nice girl would still be here if the people of this world knew how to grow up and let go of the past. If they knew how to let people live their own lives. If htey knew how to stay out of other peoples' business. But they do not. So miss nice girl is dead. She has been murdered by the world.



All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be bound
By your thoughtless scheming
Now, you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
Pushing all the mercy down, down, down
Wanna see you try to take a swing at me
Come on, gonna put you on the ground, ground, ground

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny? What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying when you're bloody down in front of me

You, all of my hate cannot be found
I will not be bound
By your thoughtless scheming
Now, you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies
I'm above you, smiling at your drown, drown, drown
I wanna kill and rape you the way you raped me
And I'll pull the trigger and you down, down, down

Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it's funny? What the fuck you think it's doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying when you're bloody down in front of me

You, all of my hate cannot be found
I will not be bound
By your thoughtless scheming
Now, you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

All my friends are gone, they died. They all screamed, and cried
gonna take you down

All my friends are gone, they died. They all screamed, and cried
gonna take you down

All my friends are gone, they died. They all screamed, and cried
gonna take you down

All my friends are gone, they died. They all screamed, and cried
gonna take you down

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be bound
By your thoughtless scheming
Now, you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
i will see you screaming

Now, all of my hate cannot be found
I will not be bound
By your thoughtless scheming
Now you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground I will see you screaming

*~*Song "Thoughtless" performed by Evanescene on the Album Anywhere But Home...originally performed by Korn

Why can't everyone just state their complaints to my face...Jar of Dirt #2

Why can't people just state their complaints about me to my face? Honestly to I need to leave a complaint box outside my door? Really people you get more immature by the minute. I try to be a typical college student and try to be normal. What does everyone I went to high school do to me? Give me a slap in the face. You're weird so we're going to start a facebook group about you. Thanks guys really. Do you think I care that I'm weird? No I don't. I'm just a little pissed that you'd rather say what you think to the peanut gallery than to me. Of course seeing as I went to High School Hell I am not surprised in this behaviour. I do something someone doesn't like someone or someone thinks is odd or something along those lines and I find about it a week or so later on the gossip chain. Honestly shit like a facebook group about me is not surprising. I've always been talked about for reasons I honestly don't know. It's always made me wonder why me but I'm over that now. I'm living my life. I still get pissed off when people do stupid and immature things because we're in college now and I honestly think people could be a bit more mature. I guess I was wrong. Like I said I'm living my life. I'm completely happy with it. I happen to have a theory. Anyone who gets their shits and giggles off picking on others and well the pain of others must really not be happy. There's something wrong with their lives or something missing that they see that other person has so they must find a way to bring someone who they see is truly happen down. This people is wrong. Not only is it wrong, evil, etc but it gets annoying and ridiculous too. Can't you find something else to do with your time? Go play Cubis online or someting. Hurting others for the sake of making you feel better is not exactly a good hobby to have. Why don't you guys try and find a new one. I'm happy with my life. I've got friends, I've got family, and I've got a wonderful boyfriend. If you have problems complaining to someone's face then check yourself please. These people that can't complain to my face obviously need to grow up. If you're like that fix yourself before you just become one of those immature idiotic brats that will eventually do nothing but make no real friends and a ton of enemies. I know because I see it all the time. I don't live it because these people choose to see me as their piece of meat to chew on. Again that's something I'm not and not a good idea. I'm getting very fed up with this shit. Find a new hobby. Find a cliff to jump off of or a lake to fish in. I honestly don't care but just learn to state your complaints to my face. Complaining behind my back is only going to continue to hurt you in the long run. It just makes you look more and more like an immature asshole. There's the lesson and the jar of dirt. Why don't you go and take it to heart.

Have some lyrics to think on while you are at it:

"I'm searching for answers
not questioned before
the curse of awareness
there's no peace of mind
as your true colors show
a dangerous sign"
*~*Song "A Dangerous Mind" by Within Temptation off the album The Silent Force

Lyrics for thought

Lithitum performed by Evanescence off the album The Open Door

song written by Amy Lee

Lyrics:

Lithium - don't want to lock me up inside
lithium - don't want to forget
how it feels without
lithitum - I want to stay in love
with my sorrow
oh but God I want to let it go

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show
never wanted it to be so cold
just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium - don't want to lock me up inside
lithium - don't want to forget
how it feels without
lithium - I want to stay in love with my sorrow

Dont want to let it lay me down this time
drown my will to fly
here in the darkness I know myself
can't break free until I let it go
let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
anything is better than to be alone
and in the end I guess I had to fall
always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium - don't want to lock me up inside
lithium - don't want to forget
how it feels without
lithium - I want to stay in love with my sorrow
oh but God I want to let it go



One of my favorite songs that comes with a really good video. They're some good lyrics for thought.

Winners & Losers in a boxing ring of mother's & daughter's...Jar of Dirt # 1

A jar of dirt. The world doesn't know what it's getting into by reading this. Have you ever wish you could truly have a relationship with someone and not fight with them all the damn time? Well that seems to be me and my mom. I love her. She's my mom. I just want her love, her support, and for her to willingly allow me to be an adult. Actually I want all three from everyone in my family but that's a jar of dirt for another day. There's fusses and fights and in these situations no winners and losers. It's your parent. You don't want to knock them out no matter if you're in round three or twenty-three. At the same time you're sort of hoping that they're thinking the same thing over there in their corner. Sometimes you wish you knew what they were thinking. You know they have to say the same thing about you sometimes. You go away you miss them and they miss you. You fight and you're both too stubborn to admit whose fault it really was. It's the same neverending cycle of she said she said except one is the parent and one is the child new to adulthood. Then somedays you wonder one the hell is wrong with us? We're both adults here. Why are we always fighting? Maybe this...Maybe that are the reasons going through your mind. Yet you can never seem to pinpoint just one much less figure out the real problem behind everything. Eventually it becomes one of those fueding cycles like the Capulets and the Montagues where you've done it for so long that you just do it for the sheer hell of it because you really have no fucking clue why you were really fighting in the first place. I don't want that with my mom. I'd like to settle it before something really bad happens and we never speak to each other again or write each other off completely. Even if we come to the conclusion that we maybe can't live in the same house and get along but I can make visits because I am a loving daughter just to keep a good relationship. Even if it comes to that. I have never had a life without my mom. I know my life is changing now. I have a serious boyfriend and I honestly think she's getting a little jealous. I know she's a bit harsh at times but she's still my mom. I want us to work something out even if it is us living in different enviroments and visiting each other and having nice friendly phone conversations in between in person contact just so we can get along. It's a way for us to still be a functioning mother and daughter without us turning into feuding Shakespeare characters. I just want to be able to get along with my mom. I'm getting tired of this neverending boxing match. I'm just asking to live my adult life. I want to make my own mistakes. Is that really too much to ask? Is that too much for anyone to ask from a parent once they reach of age? Some people I know really should not answer that last question because they will give me a very fucked up answer because their view on life and reality is very skewed. I'm not talking about everyone I know however. I just have a jar of dirt here. It's filled with love, compassion, and concern for my mother. I want to get along with her. I have want and needs. I'm an adult now and I want to be one. I my mom around to love me and not argue with me at every turn and decision to make. It's my life now. Now I make the decisions whether anyone likes them or not. And, there is the first jar of dirt. I don't care whether you liked it or not but it's there. It's full of sea sand representing love, compassion, and concern for my mommy whom I love. I'm sick of fighting. Now you know my jar of dirt full of thoughts as shitty and full of bullshit as some people make think they are. There they are.

Here are some lyrics for thought:

"I don't want to hold you back now love
I can't change who I am
not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up"
*~*From the song "Lacrymosa" by Evanescence off the album The Open Door

Just one of my creations

Here's something I just thought I'd share. I'll share more of my work as time goes on I just wanted to share this one first. Have at it people. I'm going back to my Lacuna Coil playlist now.

Stress....have I really survived?

The semester is almost over...YAY...I think? I have made some discoveries over this semester though. Everyone lies...this is the most stressful experience of my life. I have learned to managed and cope with that though. I'm not so stressful as I was in the beginning of the semester. My mentor is a BIG help...not to mention my wonderful roomie who will probably read this and kill me if I don't mention how much of a help she's been. I love you girl. You've been a big help. Then of course there's been my boyfriend who has had to help drag me out of every rock and hard place since April. He knows how much I love him so I need not mention that. I don't think anyone loves stress. I personally hate it. I feel like the hamster stuck on the little wheelie and I'm only allowed to run on it and if I stop I'll die. That's what stress does to me. Thank God for expresso. It brings me back down to reality sometimes. I get that little jolt that is like "Hey slow down you little rat" and I finally realize that I've been running the rat trap. It's taken me all semester to find ways other than coffee to get myself out of the rat trap. Breathing always helps. You're always told that you're first semester is always your hardest. Well you're full of bull if you don't believe them because it is hardest. Somedays I feel like I'm going to die from the the work load and the stress and everything else. I used to do nothing but read. My bookshelf is overflowing with books. Some of my books even have to be stored in a box under the bed. I don't have time to read for me anymore. That is killing me. The bookworm in me is not getting fed. That hurts my ego. Leaving the theatre department doesn't hurt my ego but having no time to read does. I'm looking forward to break. My goal is 6 books but I'll probably get more than that read. That's just me. I think I've survived the semester. I seem to have survived the stress. I'll know when I get my grades if I really, truly survived the semester.