Untitled...Jar of Dirt #3

Sometimes you feel like life is just false. Like most of your relatives are only claiming you just to see how good you can make them look. When most of your life they've molded you into a victim. Why? Because you were different. You couldn't help that you just naturally broke the mold of the perfect little family. Hell you still do. Life is what you make not what they make it for you. You're realizing that more and more each day. Some of them have been letting you down at various points in life. Some even abandoned you. Others were just there but like non existent pieces of the puzzle that is your life. Then there were those who only want to control you. It's their way or no way...there is no such thing as a highway option with them. So you choose to break that control. To be your on person. You're 18. You're an adult. You want to be an adult. And, frankly, you're sick and tired of being treated like the various ages between 6 and 16. You need your space to grow up on your own and make your mistakes. The last time you checked you and them were not merged into the same person. It's time they butt out and back away and let you live your life for yourself. You're going to do your best and if your best is not good enough for them. Then fuck them. They weren't your family to begin with. So what if your appearance is never good enough for them. It's good enough for you. That's what matters. You're comfortable with how you look. So they should just shut the hell up and deal with it. It's your body and most of them that are calling you fat are fatter than you. They shove everything down your throat now it's time to shove a few things down theirs. They need to know why you never come on. They're not all that tolerable. Certain ones drive you so crazy you just want to kill them. Some only care about how much weight you've yo-yoed around. Some only care about whether or not your grades are up to their standards. Some only care about whether or not you think the same politically. Some only care about whether or not you think the same religiously. With some it's a combination of several of those. It's a blood pressure raiser. A raiser of the stress level. That makes a person who has low to normal blood pressure sick, very sick. It has happened before. Of course one should take offense that some people don't even show any support to the fact that you are working your ass of in college. Some could care less if you starve when people who can't even afford to give finnacial support give it. Top that one. People know when you're holding back. People know when you're giving more support to people who aren't even blood relatives and probably won't go to college when the one busting their ass in college who busted their ass to get to college gets nothing but phone calls. They consist of gossip, religious chatter, talk of some people that one could really care less about, and berrating because apparently you use bad language on your blog. Oh well. People are going to speak their mind. When you have never been able to speak your mind in your entire life it's about time you have a big blow up, doesn't everyone agree? The phone calls have stopped. There was not even one on Christmas. Now say how unfeeling that is. So you didn't call them either. You had your right to be mad. They hadn't called you since you got out of school. They hadn't supported you financially. They did call a bit too much before the calls stopped though. All they sent you was a letter and a box of junk food. Nice going. Then there are the financial supporters who call on occasion but not to much which was perfect. They sent a little money monthly, what they could just to help. They made sure you had food and your meds. They spoke to you over the holliday. There are no ill words with these people. Why? Not just because of their financial support but because they care. If your best is what you give them they are proud. If you gain or lose a few pound they make no snide remarks about it. Granted they will ask you to wear a shirt that is not so tight but they will do it politely. They are they most loving and caring people who would never turn their backs on a loved one. The others on the other hand. They are just hard to define. Everything must be their way from clothing to grades to politics to religion. Screw that. An adult can make their own decisions about those sorts of things thank you. People like them seem to forget that they have faults too. That they've done wrong. That they've hurt people in many ways and that they still do. Remember this that this one will bite back from now on. She's done with all this bullshit. She's an adult. She will do her best. She will make her own decisions about everything and everyone else will like it or they can keep their bloody mouths shut. She's had it with being told that she can't when she knows she can. She's had it with the tricks. She's had it with the lies. She's had it with the rules. She's had it with the brainwashing. She's a new woman now, a new young woman who will no longer be the controlled victim. She's out of the shell and out on her own now and she can't be stopped.

Now i will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
(I'm Going Under)
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought I reached the bottom
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
*Whispering* (So I don't know whats real and whats not,
So I don't know what's real and what's not)
*whispering* (whats real and whats not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under
I'm dying again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Going under
I'm going under

*~*song Going Under by Evanescence off of the Fallen album