A jar of dirt. The world doesn't know what it's getting into by reading this. Have you ever wish you could truly have a relationship with someone and not fight with them all the damn time? Well that seems to be me and my mom. I love her. She's my mom. I just want her love, her support, and for her to willingly allow me to be an adult. Actually I want all three from everyone in my family but that's a jar of dirt for another day. There's fusses and fights and in these situations no winners and losers. It's your parent. You don't want to knock them out no matter if you're in round three or twenty-three. At the same time you're sort of hoping that they're thinking the same thing over there in their corner. Sometimes you wish you knew what they were thinking. You know they have to say the same thing about you sometimes. You go away you miss them and they miss you. You fight and you're both too stubborn to admit whose fault it really was. It's the same neverending cycle of she said she said except one is the parent and one is the child new to adulthood. Then somedays you wonder one the hell is wrong with us? We're both adults here. Why are we always fighting? Maybe this...Maybe that are the reasons going through your mind. Yet you can never seem to pinpoint just one much less figure out the real problem behind everything. Eventually it becomes one of those fueding cycles like the Capulets and the Montagues where you've done it for so long that you just do it for the sheer hell of it because you really have no fucking clue why you were really fighting in the first place. I don't want that with my mom. I'd like to settle it before something really bad happens and we never speak to each other again or write each other off completely. Even if we come to the conclusion that we maybe can't live in the same house and get along but I can make visits because I am a loving daughter just to keep a good relationship. Even if it comes to that. I have never had a life without my mom. I know my life is changing now. I have a serious boyfriend and I honestly think she's getting a little jealous. I know she's a bit harsh at times but she's still my mom. I want us to work something out even if it is us living in different enviroments and visiting each other and having nice friendly phone conversations in between in person contact just so we can get along. It's a way for us to still be a functioning mother and daughter without us turning into feuding Shakespeare characters. I just want to be able to get along with my mom. I'm getting tired of this neverending boxing match. I'm just asking to live my adult life. I want to make my own mistakes. Is that really too much to ask? Is that too much for anyone to ask from a parent once they reach of age? Some people I know really should not answer that last question because they will give me a very fucked up answer because their view on life and reality is very skewed. I'm not talking about everyone I know however. I just have a jar of dirt here. It's filled with love, compassion, and concern for my mother. I want to get along with her. I have want and needs. I'm an adult now and I want to be one. I my mom around to love me and not argue with me at every turn and decision to make. It's my life now. Now I make the decisions whether anyone likes them or not. And, there is the first jar of dirt. I don't care whether you liked it or not but it's there. It's full of sea sand representing love, compassion, and concern for my mommy whom I love. I'm sick of fighting. Now you know my jar of dirt full of thoughts as shitty and full of bullshit as some people make think they are. There they are.
Here are some lyrics for thought:
"I don't want to hold you back now love
I can't change who I am
not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me
and in this short life,
there's no time to waste on giving up"
*~*From the song "Lacrymosa" by Evanescence off the album The Open Door
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